Aren’t children wonderful little machines who seem to endlessly produce profound statements? Consider the following:

If you don’t have anything to say, don’t say it.

It was one I almost missed, since it was so close to the intended saying we often use to redirect “ugly” remarks or negativism. I thank my youngest son, Bradley, for that one.

Amazingly enough, he also provided another very amusing one-liner just the other day. I had mentioned that one of the schools in the district where I work had been evacuated temporarily due to a strong odor (we found out later that it was some kind of chlorine leak).

After hearing me mention the evacuation, he sort of smirked and questioned, “They had to leave because of a strong ogre?” We all laughed. I was impressed with his quick ability to shift gears and shift around the original statement. I have a pretty funny picture in my head now of a bunch of school-children running for their lives. Thanks to the little ones for the funny comments.

…lies a funny man.

We had a great time recently during a routine visit to MCD. For the first time in a long time, we sighted a living, breathing, and extremely entertaining Ronald (not that I make it my life-goal to search for a Ronald or anything like that). He was full of fairly clever jokes, and made use of the effect that comes from embarrassing people. Clown power is quite amazing.

My favorite memory deals with Ronald’s time spent behind the counter. He walked past the associates at the registers, and began turning the menu from “dinner” to “breakfast” and then stopped the menus at the in-between place, so that no menu could be seen. Only eye-pain resulted as the lights that usually illuminate the menu now had free reign. Ronald simply asked the customers waiting for their food if they like the new lights behind the menu.

This is the kind of Ronald that we all need to witness every once in a while. The kind that thinks outside the box, and bothers people. He was obviously not the kind of guy that dresses in a clown suit, and fully depends on the fact that he is dressed in a clown suit. You know the kind. He stands there waving at the little kids – and that’s all.

This was the kind of guy that uses the fact that he is dressed like a clown to do things that would get the average Roberto discharged from the establishment.

Bravo to Ronald for restoring dignity to all those who wear clown suits.

There is much to be gained or lost from a moment of regression. Among old friends or with family, innocent regression can often transport us to a time of wonderful memories. On the other hand…whether in spiritual, emotional, or financial terms, regression usually spells disaster.

The regression of which I write is centered upon the former – the good kind. And the moment of which I write takes me back to a moment that I never had the privilege of knowing. How’s this possible? I’m not really sure, to tell you the truth, but I know I witnessed it. Somehow, I was allowed to look into a window from the past. I was given the treat of peering into my wife’s childhood, when she transformed into an eight-year-old before my very eyes. And what a treat it was.

We were at Costco for our monthly shopping trip. We decided to look down the furniture aisle. And there it happened. She spotted a table that had eight chairs – the number that happens to correspond exactly to the number of people in our family.

I suppose it was just one of those moments when one is carried away with emotion, and one lets down one’s guard, and allows oneself to say whatever is on one’s mind. Are you with me? Anyway…there we were – IN THE MIDDLE OF COSTCO – and my lovely wife was carried away with emotion, and let down her guard, and said whatever happened to be on her mind.

So excited was she at the sight of the table and chairs, that she said, “Honey, do you suppose we could purchase this table and chairs?” Well, this is not really what she said at this moment. This is what most people would say. And those of you who are reading this most likely know that my wife has probably never fit into the “most people” category. I can’t ever think of a time. Onward.

So she said, “Mommy, Daddy, look, eight chairs!”

This is no lie. IN THE MIDDLE OF COSTCO, with the world looking on, and wondering where “Mommy and Daddy” are, she gave her whole family that sweet look into her past. However strange and awkward it was, I would not trade that moment for anything. And I would not trade her either. She’s my tender, little girl. And I love her.

Technically, this is not post number 100, but that’s ok.

1) I was born in San Antonio, Texas.

2) I was born in March.

3) I was born at the Nix Hospital, near the famed Riverwalk.

4) I was not at all impressed with the Riverwalk at the time of my birth.

5) I am a little more impressed with the Riverwalk at this moment.

6) I was given a name that I rarely use (I use my middle name).

7) My dad used to put me in a pillow case and suspend me about 5 feet off the ground by closing the door on the pillow case. The more I think of it, the more I realize how precarious a position I was in.

My dad often enlisted my assistance for the purpose of frightening my mom.

9) As a youth, I dreamt of becoming a pro football player.

10) I played football and baseball for the YMCA.

11) My team was named the Seahawks.

12) We won many games. But we lost our last one.

13) I climbed a tree in my backyard when I was about 8. When I reached a certain branch, it broke. I fell to the ground on account of gravity, and my nose became close with a root. The root was harder than my nose, causing breakage, and much blood flow.

14) I immediately went inside my house with one query: how do I tell my mom about this, without causing a stir?

15) So I said upon seeing her in her room, “Mom, I feel out of a tree and hit my nose, but I’m alright.”

16) Perhaps it was the blood issuing from my nose, or perhaps it was the larger volume of blood taking up residence upon my shirt. Whatever it was, my mom was not convinced. We went to the hospital.

17) On many subsequent occasions, I have broken my nose.

18) If you look at me from a crouching position, you can tell that my nose has been broken. I think it turns a bit to the left. My left.

19) I forgot to mention that at about age 4, I ate a melted Starburst that I found on a sidewalk. It was a strawberry-flavored one.

20) Before #19, everything about me was pretty much in chronological order.

21) I was in a talent show in the first grade.

22) I starred in a short musical with two other friends. The song was called “I Love Trash”.  It was originally sung by Oscar the Grouch.

23) I am not that fond of trash.

24) My first pet that I can remember being attached to was a mix between a Weimaraner and something else. Her name was Missy.

25) I was lieutenant of the safety patrols in fifth grade.

26) I had to use spell-check to spell lieutenant.

27) As a safety patrol, I once ran down the hallway after school with a few other patrols. There was no need to do so. It was just done because we always wanted to do that. The others got caught by Mrs. Marsh, the safety patrol leader. I stopped just before the others were caught. They were not happy with me for not being caught. I sometimes wonder if other law enforcement agents do the same thing we did that day.

28) I often have a recurring dream that I am once again in school, and that I am unable to open my locker.

29) I played football and basketball while in middle school.

30) I enjoyed basketball more than football.

31) I was not nice to my 7th grade drafting teacher.

32) He was not nice to me consequently.

33) I recently tried to defend my behaviors in class by stating that the teacher had a habit of throwing things at students. My brother-in-law, who was present in the class, said that the teacher threw things because of our behaviors. He might be right.

34) I had an Atari game console when I was in middle school.

35) Asteroids was my favorite game.

36) I burned my tongue really badly while drinking hot chocolate one day.

37) I bought the hot chocolate at 7-11.

38) I did not sue the 7-11 attendants for their negligent behavior.

39) I recall that I could not taste anything for a few days.

40) It was scary.

41) While playing football in middle school, I scored a defensive touchdown by running in between the quarterback and the running back just as the quarterback pitched the ball. I caught the ball on my shoulder, and kept running.

42) During a basketball game, our team was in the lead, and the time was running out. Our team was instructed by the coach to not shoot the ball unless we had an easy shot, like a lay-up.

43) I heard the instructions, but decided to shoot a very long shot for some reason.

44) As I began to shoot, I heard my coach say, “No!”

45) When I made the shot, I heard my coach say, “Yes!”

46) After the game, my coach asked me what had gotten into my head. My response was that I had been inspired. He said that if I felt inspired like that again I would find myself on the bench. My smile faded.

47) I remember thinking about the concept of eternity as a youth. Whenever I would think about it, it seemed like my mind was doing flips inside my head.

48) I got my first job as a ball-boy at Batter Up of Texas on Recoleta.

49) I was in charge of making sure that baseballs were loaded in the automatic pitching machines.

50) When people whistled at me to tell me that the machines were empty, it angered me, but I did not retaliate.

51) I would ease my frustrations by putting on a baseball helmet after hours, and standing in the path of the pitching machine as it threw baseballs.

52) One of my duties was to use a blower to clean off the miniature golf greens across the street. The blower leaked oil. The oil often landed on the back of my leg as I worked, and it did not feel nice.

53) There was a man who would frequent Batter Up to retrieve aluminum cans. We called him the Can Man. He would use some sort of a gadget with a claw on the end of it to pick up the cans, so he did not have to bend over to pick them up. One day, we nailed a can on a bench to see what he would do. He struggled to get the can for a few moments, and then left without his reward. I know – that was not nice.

54) Bertha was the name of the machine that sat so lonely in the back of Batter Up, behind the nets.

55) She was brick-red, and we used her to repair nets. She was a cherry-picker, which means that there is a bucket on the end of an arm that extends so higher places might be reached. The bucket can be controlled by the person in the bucket.

56) To my surprise, I was once given the chance to operate the bucket with the simple instructions, “Don’t extend the bucket all the way.” I thought, ” That sounds easy enough.”

57) However – I extended it all the way accidentally, and found that when that happened, I could no longer control the bucket. I was trapped in the bucket about 25 feet off the ground. This normally would not be a problem. Just holler and someone will notice, and come to your rescue, right? True, if Bertha had not been such a loud machine. I think I waited 20 minutes until someone noticed that I was stuck.

58) I also held a job at Foley’s selling table linens. I don’t have any exciting stories nor do I have recollections of this job.

59) I graduated high school with an 89 average.

60) I began to enjoy reading and writing during my senior year in high school after taking a British Literature class.

61) I learned to block out the pain inflicted upon me by my mathematics instructors.

62) I still have a dream that I have enrolled in a math course, but forgot to ever attend it. In the dream, I am perspiring, sitting in the math class taking a final exam.

63) I attended college at UNT, in Denton, Texas. Eppie the Eagle was there.

64) My mom sent a Bible with me to college, and one night, while alone in my dorm, I began reading it. It was that night that I met my saviour, Jesus Christ. My life has never been the same.

65) I am not British, but I like adding the -our ending to words, because I think it is beautifulour.

66) I met the woman who is now my wife while in college. Within two months of knowing her, we knew we wanted to marry one another. We were married two years later.

67) I worked at a peanut butter factory while in college.

68) I worked at Wolfe Nursery for a few months as a result of my interest in Botany.

69) I also worked at UPS for about 3 days during college. It was the most physically demanding job I have ever held.

70) Another job I held was with Upright Installations. I helped to install lockers in schools.

71) I also worked at Blockbuster Video.

72) For a short time, I sold Canadian Lottery tickets for a telemarketing company.

73) I finished college with a GPA of 3.71.

74) I was invited to join a group called the Meadows Scholars to study Education.

75) I earned a Master’s degree in Education.

76) I began teaching at Creekside Elementary in Lewisville, Texas, in 1993.

77) I taught fourth grade that year. I remember a lot about that year, but what is most notable is that there was a girl in my class who, when angered, would pick up her desk and throw it. We tried not to anger her.

78) My first child was born in December of 1993.

79) We moved to San Antonio in the summer of 1994.

80) I grew a beard for the first time. I was not impressed, nor was my wife.

81) I taught a summer program called JumpStart at West Avenue Elementary.

82) I taught fourth grade and second grade at West Avenue for about 7 years.

83) We purchased the home in which I had grown up, and lived there about 5 years.

84) On some occasions, I would walk to work.

85) I built a tree house for my children in the back yard of the house where I grew up.

86) I held a side job as a furniture mover for a company called Too Good to Be Threw.

87) I transferred to Olmos Elementary and taught second and fifth grades for three years there. This is the elementary where I went to school. Go Owls!

88) In 2002, my daughter was diagnosed with cancer, and a few years later, my wife had open-heart surgery. That was a wild ride.

89) We moved to a larger home to accommodate a growing family.

90) I began a lawn and tree trimming business that I still maintain.

91) I have cut down several trees.

92) A friend taught me how to fairly accurately fell a tree by using a notch system of cutting.

93) On one occasion, my dad and I agreed to remove a tree that had fallen on a fence.

94) While in route to dispose of the wood on my trailer, I lost control of my vehicle and knocked down a telephone pole.

95) I walked away from that accident unharmed.

96) My second child was born in 1995.

97) My third child was born in 1997.

98) My fourth child was born in 1999.

99) My fifth child was born in 2000.

100) My sixth child was born in 2002.

It’s a strange time of year to set the lawn mower to its lowest setting, but it really does make life easier.

It was one of those interesting moments well-known to parents of young children. We were sitting at Chili’s tonight, waiting for our food to be brought out. We were there in celebration of my bride’s 38th birthday. She received a gift certificate, so we decided to go and enjoy a dinner with the whole family. So as were waiting, my son spotted a sign in the distance that displayed in large letters, “Happy Hour!”. This brought great excitement to him, but not for the same reason that those words bring delight to those who indulge in that kind of drink. His frame of reference comes from Sonic’s happy hour. And all of us at the table knew what he meant. But I’m not sure if the people at the table adjacent to us quite understood why an eight-year-old would get so excited about Happy Hour. I’m thankful that Grace was quick to point out the difference between the two types of happy hours.

The amusing mix-up of terms took my mind to eternity future, when God’s children would revel in arguably the happiest hour of all. This world has nothing on God’s Happy Hour. You think dollar drinks do the trick? Just wait until you drink deeply from the well of salvation; when you realize that eternal life is “on the house”; that our great salvation has been paid for in blood not our own.

Yes, saints, there is a day coming that will cause us to fall at the feet of the One who is worthy. The One whose final gasps of air were not consumed for the purpose of spewing out hatred at His murderers. Nor were they utilized as a request for help. In fact, those last painful moments contained the sweetest words for a sinner’s ear. They were, “Father, forgive them…”.

So the Happy Hour we hope for is coming. It may even happen before you finish reading this post. As a brother once said, it may be that you “put your right foot onto Main Street, and your left foot into glory”. In the twinkling of an eye, brothers and sisters, God’s happy hour is coming.

One bright hour, He will come for me

One bright hour, He’ll set the captive free

And one bright hour, He will wipe the tears away

From eyes that now can see

One bright hour

Bebo Norman

As we come nearer to the day that our next-door-neighbor will move to the Great Northwest, I make some mental cogitations about ways in which I will miss his presence. I enjoy his humor, and his understanding of technology, and generally just spending some time with him.

For the sake of specificity, I will write about a quirky thing that he is performing while I type. We are in the middle of a rare July thunderstorm – wind blowing, lightning flashing, rain falling, lawn-mowing. “Lawn-mowing?” you ask? You read it correctly. Kane is currently mowing his lawn while 2/3 of the world’s electric current rests about a mile above our general vicinity…just perched up there and ready to strike any foolish enough to challenge its authority.

This kind of thing will be missed. The unconventional approach to life that makes us giggle.

When Kane saw me gawking at this spectacle, he stopped the mower, and motioned with his hands as if to say, “What’s the problem?” My response was, “Don’t you want to make it to Portland? You’re gonna die right there!”.

Kane’s response was very Kane-esque. He said, “It’s [the lightning] afraid of me!”. Again, his humor will be missed.

About six months ago, my son Benjamin began wearing braces. He recently had them removed, and is now wearing a retainer only at night. He is faithful about cleaning it in the evening just before bed, and it seems like every night (I’m exaggerating) he says, “This thing smells horrible! You wanna smell it?” I know he has asked me this question at least three times in the past month. Every time he has made this unique offer, I have declined. Call me crazy. Tonight, after he repeated his favorite question, and after I repeated my consistent answer in the negative, I decided I would punctuate my answer with a new twist. I said, “No.” (Pause for effect, and for time to tabulate how many times he has asked the question) Then I said, “I am pretty sure my answer will always be ‘no’.” I wonder if that will sink in…

It has been exactly a week since I dressed like a cow twice in one day for the purpose of getting a free meal. The answer to your question is “yes”. I have no shame. Last year, I refused to bend and thus refused to dress like a cow while my family did. This year was different. I agreed to go through with it, as a favor to my wife. But having now walked away from what I thought might be a disaster for my pride, I can report that I have a change of heart. I actually enjoyed the experience. Who knows, maybe next year I’ll even sing a song like my wife and children did this year. Baby steps.

I marvel at the energy level of my bride of almost 19 years. She could run circles around me in a normal day, and she usually does. It’s a blessing to be married to such an energetic person. She challenges me to do more.

I also stand amazed at her ability to never really meet a stranger. If you were to listen in on most conversations with new acquaintances, you would bet that she has known the person for years. This is an ability I do not really have.

I could go on and on about things that my wife can do so well that place me out of my comfort zone, but one area that has come to my attention lately definitely pushes the envelope for me. It is a road I don’t often travel. One that I shy away from at every turn, but one that seems to attract her like one of those huge magnets in a junk yard attracts cars.

The thing I’m talking about is how she seems to be more than OK with the spotlight. The proverbial spotlight, that is. It’s not that she craves this spotlight. She doesn’t dream about how to get attention, nor does she find it too difficult in times when others have the spotlight and she doesn’t. It’s just that when the opportunity presents itself, she stands at attention. And the opportunity has presented itself…yet again.

Chic-Fil-A is holding its annual “Dress Like a Cow And Get Free Food Day”. Last year, I was fine with my whole family (excluding me) dressing like a cow to get free food. I really have a taste for Chic-Fil-A, so I went along and hid sort of in the background while my family pushed on ahead and got free food. I insisted that I would gladly buy my own food. I think some others in the family had the same wish, but they had no money, and Momma made it clear that it wasn’t an option for them.

This year, to the surprise of my bride, I have agreed to dress like a cow. I said it’s a road that I don’t often travel. I have been known to acquiescently stick a toe into the spotlight. So here goes.

I’ll be wearing an angel costume retro-fitted to look like a cow (frown, grimace…that wasn’t what I had in mind, but oh well). “Sounds like more than sticking a toe into the spotlight,” you say? Well, I figure you only live once, and though the light from the spotlight can be bright at times, and if the spotlight hasn’t been converted over to fluorescent from incandescent, it can also be very warm (I’m told), but so what. I’ll travel this road since my bride seems to enjoy when we are on the road together. I can pretend to like it, I guess, or maybe I really will like it.

I’ll let you know after Friday.